CDC Baffled by “Airborne Inebriation Virus”

Warns DC residents to avoid excess breathing, all physical contact and drinking any liquids until source of the virus is discovered


Monday found Center for Disease Control (CDC) agents scrambling to find the source of an unclassified virus that brings on severe symptoms not unlike a night of heavy drinking and karaoke. What has the CDC even more dumbfounded is that the outbreak mainly appears to effect politicians and professionals living in the Washington DC area. Thus far, average Americans appear immune to the effects of the virus.

Dr. Phillip Witmore Jackdaniels explains the CDC’s findings thus far: “Our initial fear was that we were looking at a country wide epidemic and considering all we had were symptoms of an obviously extremely dangerous strain of a new virus, the CDC was uneasy with the possibility that we might have to quarantine entire states. Much to our relief, it appears that 90% of those infected by the virus work in the greater DC area with the strongest symptoms being manifest the closer one gets to the halls of Congress. The CDC often receives unusual calls regarding suspected, yet never confirmed, turrets syndrome outbreaks at sporting events, so reports of an “airborne inebriation” came as no surprise. However, we have always assumed the irrational behavior associated with inebriation had a direct link to alcohol consumption. The incidents we are seeing in Washington have us wondering if our assumptions weren’t wrong.”

Dr. Jackdaniels pointed out some of the warning signs that indicate you or a loved one, who more likely than not is also working in Washington DC, may be affected by what the CDC has labeled ‘DC-briation’.

“We have pinpointed a couple individuals in Washington that serve as classic examples of someone infected by the DC-briation virus. For example, Maxine Waters often shows severe symptoms of the virus when discussing corporate America.

(From direct testimony while chewing out the oil industry):

‘This liberal (referring to herself) will be all about socializing….um….errr….hamina, hamina, hamina…basically taking over and the government running all your (the oil industry’s) companies.’

She may have meant to say ‘nationalize’ instead of ‘socializing’ but either way, most Americans even after a very bad day at the office don’t get crazy enough to talk about the government taking control of private companies or entire industries and turning them into little dictator branch offices that treat their customers like they do at the IRS. Would Stalin consider something crazy like this? Yes. Castro? Heck yes. Kim Jong Il? In a heartbeat. Hugo Chavez? Every Wednesday after his weekly radio broadcast ‘Why I Hate Americans and Freedom’. Sober, freedom loving Americans with any understanding of history and what will undoubtedly happen when a reality detached, budget challenged government takes over the oil industry? No.”

“And what we find disturbing about the virus is that it can affect either party. President Bush had sporadic fits of DC-briation every month or so while in office declaring the war in Iraq “over”, often during televised broadcasts near Baghdad while shouting over the sound of stay bullets and grenade launcher propelled shoes. And unfortunately, even President Obama is suspected as someone very likely effected by DC-briation as can clearly be seen in an interview broadcast Sunday March 22, 2009 hosted by Steve Kroft on 60 Minutes:


"You're sitting here. And you're laughing. You are laughing about some of these problems," Kroft told the president. "Are people going to look at this and say, 'I mean, he's sitting there just making jokes about money?' How do you deal with -- I mean: explain ... Are you punch-drunk?"

"No, no. There's gotta be a little gallows humor to get you through the day," Obama replied, with a laugh.


Yeah, an economy in a death spiral is about as funny as those little Special Olympics kids IF you are suffering from DC-briation. Add former President Clinton for his “that depends on what your definition of the word is is” comment and people should be concerned that we have a localized epidemic on our hands that has possibly spanned a generation and we didn’t even know it.”

Dr. Jackdaniels continues, “What has me and my colleagues especially concerned is that we are starting to see cases of DC-briation outside of the epicenter and especially near courthouses. Irrational behavior, a failure to make decisions based on rational thought, complete lapses in judgment, a ‘the lights are on but nobody is home except the guy I keep in the freezer’ kinds of looks- all classic symptoms of DC-briation and more and more often being seen outside of the DC area. What else could explain a judge suing his drycleaner for $50 million dollars when his pants go missing? Or countless other judges sitting on or delaying rulings for months at a time? Many of these men and women are running their courts as if they were taking a flurry of upper cuts from Mike Tyson right before they entered their courtroom. We have an entire legal system that is often operating as if “punch drunk” without a drop of liquor in it.”

Investigations continue but given the difficulty in pinpointing a source, CDC officials are to the point of simply warning Americans to spend as little time near Washington and courtrooms as possible. Dr. Jackdaniels offered this final advise: “We don’t know how this dangerous virus is spread so we advise citizens who normally find themselves sober until noon to stay as far away from lawyers, judges and state and federal politicians as possible. Even eye contact may put you at risk so your best bet when you see a ‘Vote for Mo Deviant’ sign with an aspiring lifelong politician standing next to it is to look the other way, make sure the safety is off your pepper spray canister and run screaming in the opposite direction.”