Warns DC residents to avoid excess breathing, all physical contact and drinking any liquids until source of the virus is discovered
Monday found Center for Disease Control (CDC) agents scrambling to find the source of an unclassified virus that brings on severe symptoms not unlike a night of heavy drinking and karaoke. What has the CDC even more dumbfounded is that the outbreak mainly appears to effect politicians and professionals living in the Washington DC area. Thus far, average Americans appear immune to the effects of the virus.
Dr. Phillip Witmore Jackdaniels explains the CDC’s findings thus far: “Our initial fear was that we were looking at a country wide epidemic and considering all we had were symptoms of an obviously extremely dangerous strain of a new virus, the CDC was uneasy with the possibility that we might have to quarantine entire states. Much to our relief, it appears that 90% of those infected by the virus work in the greater DC area with the strongest symptoms being manifest the closer one gets to the halls of Congress. The CDC often receives unusual calls regarding suspected, yet never confirmed, turrets syndrome outbreaks at sporting events, so reports of an “airborne inebriation” came as no surprise. However, we have always assumed the irrational behavior associated with inebriation had a direct link to alcohol consumption. The incidents we are seeing in Washington have us wondering if our assumptions weren’t wrong.”
Dr. Jackdaniels pointed out some of the warning signs that indicate you or a loved one, who more likely than not is also working in Washington DC, may be affected by what the CDC has labeled ‘DC-briation’.
“We have pinpointed a couple individuals in Washington that serve as classic examples of someone infected by the DC-briation virus. For example, Maxine Waters often shows severe symptoms of the virus when discussing corporate America.
(From direct testimony while chewing out the oil industry):
‘This liberal (referring to herself) will be all about socializing….um….errr….hamina, hamina, hamina…basically taking over and the government running all your (the oil industry’s) companies.’
She may have meant to say ‘nationalize’ instead of ‘socializing’ but either way, most Americans even after a very bad day at the office don’t get crazy enough to talk about the government taking control of private companies or entire industries and turning them into little dictator branch offices that treat their customers like they do at the IRS. Would Stalin consider something crazy like this? Yes. Castro? Heck yes. Kim Jong Il? In a heartbeat. Hugo Chavez? Every Wednesday after his weekly radio broadcast ‘Why I Hate Americans and Freedom’. Sober, freedom loving Americans with any understanding of history and what will undoubtedly happen when a reality detached, budget challenged government takes over the oil industry? No.”
“And what we find disturbing about the virus is that it can affect either party. President Bush had sporadic fits of DC-briation every month or so while in office declaring the war in Iraq “over”, often during televised broadcasts near Baghdad while shouting over the sound of stay bullets and grenade launcher propelled shoes. And unfortunately, even President Obama is suspected as someone very likely effected by DC-briation as can clearly be seen in an interview broadcast Sunday March 22, 2009 hosted by Steve Kroft on 60 Minutes:
"You're sitting here. And you're laughing. You are laughing about some of these problems," Kroft told the president. "Are people going to look at this and say, 'I mean, he's sitting there just making jokes about money?' How do you deal with -- I mean: explain ... Are you punch-drunk?"
"No, no. There's gotta be a little gallows humor to get you through the day," Obama replied, with a laugh.
Yeah, an economy in a death spiral is about as funny as those little Special Olympics kids IF you are suffering from DC-briation. Add former President Clinton for his “that depends on what your definition of the word is is” comment and people should be concerned that we have a localized epidemic on our hands that has possibly spanned a generation and we didn’t even know it.”
Dr. Jackdaniels continues, “What has me and my colleagues especially concerned is that we are starting to see cases of DC-briation outside of the epicenter and especially near courthouses. Irrational behavior, a failure to make decisions based on rational thought, complete lapses in judgment, a ‘the lights are on but nobody is home except the guy I keep in the freezer’ kinds of looks- all classic symptoms of DC-briation and more and more often being seen outside of the DC area. What else could explain a judge suing his drycleaner for $50 million dollars when his pants go missing? Or countless other judges sitting on or delaying rulings for months at a time? Many of these men and women are running their courts as if they were taking a flurry of upper cuts from Mike Tyson right before they entered their courtroom. We have an entire legal system that is often operating as if “punch drunk” without a drop of liquor in it.”
Investigations continue but given the difficulty in pinpointing a source, CDC officials are to the point of simply warning Americans to spend as little time near Washington and courtrooms as possible. Dr. Jackdaniels offered this final advise: “We don’t know how this dangerous virus is spread so we advise citizens who normally find themselves sober until noon to stay as far away from lawyers, judges and state and federal politicians as possible. Even eye contact may put you at risk so your best bet when you see a ‘Vote for Mo Deviant’ sign with an aspiring lifelong politician standing next to it is to look the other way, make sure the safety is off your pepper spray canister and run screaming in the opposite direction.”
Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Geologists Discover Colossal Catapult under District of Columbia
Elaborate device appears to be yet another of Benjamin Franklin’s inventions
Earlier this week, geologists discovered a complex structure of steel plates, springs and levers under-girding the entire DC area that appears to have been designed by Ben Franklin and built by the early settlers. And if confirmed as the device scientists think it is, it will far exceed the largest catapult known to modern man. Located under an area 68.3 square miles in dimension, “the ultimate check and balance” as many are calling it, is being hailed as the “8th Wonder of the World” or given its obvious intent, the “Most Wonderful Wonder of the World.”
Dr. Skip Stone has been credited with the discovery and shared his thoughts on the device. “At first, I thought it was a giant spatula that appeared capable of flipping the entire DC area right into the Potomac River. Twenty years ago I would have questioned the necessity of such a contraption, but with the recent goings on in Washington and the well documented love the founding fathers had for freedom and flapjacks, it looks like they could foresee what would eventually become of the area given enough time, technological advancements in printing and producing paper money, and a lack of any meaningful supervision.”
Mr. Stone continued, “To my further amazement, as I collected additional data and pieced it together, I came to understand that this odd system of steel plates was NOT in fact a spatula, but a gigantic catapult designed to permanently displace the entire 68.3 square mile section of land, buildings and all, with the exception of some of the heavier monuments and, according to highly scientific probability models, Speaker Nancy Pelosi who already spends 21.3 out of 24 hours airborne and in this case, out of harms way.”
Mr. Stone is working with engineers at MIT and their super computer, the Revolution II, on trajectory models and they are coming to some startling conclusions. Lead engineer and medieval weapons collector, Dunkin D. Sea, explains: “Beyond the engineering challenge of constructing and concealing a catapult under a slice of land that wide is the obvious next hurdle of launching it a millimeter let alone far enough to get anyone’s attention. However, much to our shock and amazement, we now understand that the real genius of this device is its extraordinary range. If triggered, we’re still not exactly sure where the District of Columbia would land, but we have narrowed it down to either the Boston Harbor or a pitchfork factory slightly inland- both well over 300 miles from its current location. In either case the results of a launch would be catastrophic…or a thing of beauty, depending on how you feel about a permanent recess in Washington.”
The arm of the catapult is where Mr. Franklin’s creativity truly shines. Made up of a long series of tightly bound tree trunks running alongside of I-95 from DC to exit 77(B) near Fallston, Maryland, the strength of the arm is unparalleled. Scientists have yet to discover the trigger for this ingenious device, but given the tension of the trunks, have come to a general consensus that it has something to do with weight. Dunkin D. Sea again explains: “If in fact Mr. Franklin designed this, his obvious concern appeared to have been the working population of Washington DC and the surrounding area being out of balance with the rest of the country. We’re not sure what will push the area over the “weight ratio limit” but given the incessant growth of government and government related employment, it could happen at any moment. An aspiring young lobbyist or politician could arrive in Washington in his Prius next week, step foot on Independence Avenue and the last thing he would hear would be an historic swooshing sound (or whatever sound a 68.3 square mile chunk of earth makes as it is launched 396 miles).
As most politicians show little interest in scientific facts and real data over pseudoscience they can secure their careers on, polled citizens agree that Skip Stone and Dunkin D. Sea should not announce their findings to Congress until after they get to see it launch (at least once). And oddly enough, additional feedback gathered from private citizens included numerous requests for scientific intervention to try to delay the launch until July 4, 2009 to give citizens time to outline the entire District in millions of bottle rockets, sparklers and roman candles and still have enough time to set up lawn chairs and video cameras to enjoy what will certainly be an awe-inspiring event.
Rumors of a potential July 4th launch date also had the internet abuzz that changes to The Star Spangled Banner might not be far behind. Suggestions abound with ideas such as,
And the bottle rockets’ red glare,
Washington DC in air,
being among the favorites.
Earlier this week, geologists discovered a complex structure of steel plates, springs and levers under-girding the entire DC area that appears to have been designed by Ben Franklin and built by the early settlers. And if confirmed as the device scientists think it is, it will far exceed the largest catapult known to modern man. Located under an area 68.3 square miles in dimension, “the ultimate check and balance” as many are calling it, is being hailed as the “8th Wonder of the World” or given its obvious intent, the “Most Wonderful Wonder of the World.”
Dr. Skip Stone has been credited with the discovery and shared his thoughts on the device. “At first, I thought it was a giant spatula that appeared capable of flipping the entire DC area right into the Potomac River. Twenty years ago I would have questioned the necessity of such a contraption, but with the recent goings on in Washington and the well documented love the founding fathers had for freedom and flapjacks, it looks like they could foresee what would eventually become of the area given enough time, technological advancements in printing and producing paper money, and a lack of any meaningful supervision.”
Mr. Stone continued, “To my further amazement, as I collected additional data and pieced it together, I came to understand that this odd system of steel plates was NOT in fact a spatula, but a gigantic catapult designed to permanently displace the entire 68.3 square mile section of land, buildings and all, with the exception of some of the heavier monuments and, according to highly scientific probability models, Speaker Nancy Pelosi who already spends 21.3 out of 24 hours airborne and in this case, out of harms way.”
Mr. Stone is working with engineers at MIT and their super computer, the Revolution II, on trajectory models and they are coming to some startling conclusions. Lead engineer and medieval weapons collector, Dunkin D. Sea, explains: “Beyond the engineering challenge of constructing and concealing a catapult under a slice of land that wide is the obvious next hurdle of launching it a millimeter let alone far enough to get anyone’s attention. However, much to our shock and amazement, we now understand that the real genius of this device is its extraordinary range. If triggered, we’re still not exactly sure where the District of Columbia would land, but we have narrowed it down to either the Boston Harbor or a pitchfork factory slightly inland- both well over 300 miles from its current location. In either case the results of a launch would be catastrophic…or a thing of beauty, depending on how you feel about a permanent recess in Washington.”
The arm of the catapult is where Mr. Franklin’s creativity truly shines. Made up of a long series of tightly bound tree trunks running alongside of I-95 from DC to exit 77(B) near Fallston, Maryland, the strength of the arm is unparalleled. Scientists have yet to discover the trigger for this ingenious device, but given the tension of the trunks, have come to a general consensus that it has something to do with weight. Dunkin D. Sea again explains: “If in fact Mr. Franklin designed this, his obvious concern appeared to have been the working population of Washington DC and the surrounding area being out of balance with the rest of the country. We’re not sure what will push the area over the “weight ratio limit” but given the incessant growth of government and government related employment, it could happen at any moment. An aspiring young lobbyist or politician could arrive in Washington in his Prius next week, step foot on Independence Avenue and the last thing he would hear would be an historic swooshing sound (or whatever sound a 68.3 square mile chunk of earth makes as it is launched 396 miles).
As most politicians show little interest in scientific facts and real data over pseudoscience they can secure their careers on, polled citizens agree that Skip Stone and Dunkin D. Sea should not announce their findings to Congress until after they get to see it launch (at least once). And oddly enough, additional feedback gathered from private citizens included numerous requests for scientific intervention to try to delay the launch until July 4, 2009 to give citizens time to outline the entire District in millions of bottle rockets, sparklers and roman candles and still have enough time to set up lawn chairs and video cameras to enjoy what will certainly be an awe-inspiring event.
Rumors of a potential July 4th launch date also had the internet abuzz that changes to The Star Spangled Banner might not be far behind. Suggestions abound with ideas such as,
And the bottle rockets’ red glare,
Washington DC in air,
being among the favorites.
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