Geologists Discover Colossal Catapult under District of Columbia

Elaborate device appears to be yet another of Benjamin Franklin’s inventions


Earlier this week, geologists discovered a complex structure of steel plates, springs and levers under-girding the entire DC area that appears to have been designed by Ben Franklin and built by the early settlers. And if confirmed as the device scientists think it is, it will far exceed the largest catapult known to modern man. Located under an area 68.3 square miles in dimension, “the ultimate check and balance” as many are calling it, is being hailed as the “8th Wonder of the World” or given its obvious intent, the “Most Wonderful Wonder of the World.”

Dr. Skip Stone has been credited with the discovery and shared his thoughts on the device. “At first, I thought it was a giant spatula that appeared capable of flipping the entire DC area right into the Potomac River. Twenty years ago I would have questioned the necessity of such a contraption, but with the recent goings on in Washington and the well documented love the founding fathers had for freedom and flapjacks, it looks like they could foresee what would eventually become of the area given enough time, technological advancements in printing and producing paper money, and a lack of any meaningful supervision.”

Mr. Stone continued, “To my further amazement, as I collected additional data and pieced it together, I came to understand that this odd system of steel plates was NOT in fact a spatula, but a gigantic catapult designed to permanently displace the entire 68.3 square mile section of land, buildings and all, with the exception of some of the heavier monuments and, according to highly scientific probability models, Speaker Nancy Pelosi who already spends 21.3 out of 24 hours airborne and in this case, out of harms way.”

Mr. Stone is working with engineers at MIT and their super computer, the Revolution II, on trajectory models and they are coming to some startling conclusions. Lead engineer and medieval weapons collector, Dunkin D. Sea, explains: “Beyond the engineering challenge of constructing and concealing a catapult under a slice of land that wide is the obvious next hurdle of launching it a millimeter let alone far enough to get anyone’s attention. However, much to our shock and amazement, we now understand that the real genius of this device is its extraordinary range. If triggered, we’re still not exactly sure where the District of Columbia would land, but we have narrowed it down to either the Boston Harbor or a pitchfork factory slightly inland- both well over 300 miles from its current location. In either case the results of a launch would be catastrophic…or a thing of beauty, depending on how you feel about a permanent recess in Washington.”

The arm of the catapult is where Mr. Franklin’s creativity truly shines. Made up of a long series of tightly bound tree trunks running alongside of I-95 from DC to exit 77(B) near Fallston, Maryland, the strength of the arm is unparalleled. Scientists have yet to discover the trigger for this ingenious device, but given the tension of the trunks, have come to a general consensus that it has something to do with weight. Dunkin D. Sea again explains: “If in fact Mr. Franklin designed this, his obvious concern appeared to have been the working population of Washington DC and the surrounding area being out of balance with the rest of the country. We’re not sure what will push the area over the “weight ratio limit” but given the incessant growth of government and government related employment, it could happen at any moment. An aspiring young lobbyist or politician could arrive in Washington in his Prius next week, step foot on Independence Avenue and the last thing he would hear would be an historic swooshing sound (or whatever sound a 68.3 square mile chunk of earth makes as it is launched 396 miles).

As most politicians show little interest in scientific facts and real data over pseudoscience they can secure their careers on, polled citizens agree that Skip Stone and Dunkin D. Sea should not announce their findings to Congress until after they get to see it launch (at least once). And oddly enough, additional feedback gathered from private citizens included numerous requests for scientific intervention to try to delay the launch until July 4, 2009 to give citizens time to outline the entire District in millions of bottle rockets, sparklers and roman candles and still have enough time to set up lawn chairs and video cameras to enjoy what will certainly be an awe-inspiring event.

Rumors of a potential July 4th launch date also had the internet abuzz that changes to The Star Spangled Banner might not be far behind. Suggestions abound with ideas such as,

And the bottle rockets’ red glare,
Washington DC in air,

being among the favorites.