US Tax System to be Replaced by Mandatory Tax Lottery

In a clear signal that the Obama administration is thinking WAYYY outside the box to save the economy and resuscitate the US consumer, rumors that the tax code will be scraped and replaced with a more exciting tax lottery, have been confirmed. While details of the new program are unclear, bits and pieces are slowly being leaked to the public to observe their general reaction. The staggered release also gives time for local law enforcement, the National Guard, the Cub Scouts and the Mormon Missionaries to be on the ready in the very likely event that the public takes to the streets with torches and pitchforks when they understand the full implications of the program.

The original codename for the project, operation Blood from a Turnip, will eventually be replaced with a name that will discourage criticism from nay-sayers and what the government are calling “non-team players”. Names such as Plan for Gender Neutral Americans to Protect Widows and the Homeless or the Plan for Diverse, Peace Loving Recyclers United for the Perpetuation of Peanut-free lunch Programs and Free Healthcare for Domesticated Animals (or PDPLRUPPLPFHDA for short) are being considered as possible names as no American in his right mind would dare oppose a plan that claimed to support such a broad array of politically correct causes.

According to a Senator who asked to be kept anonymous, the tax lottery theory is simple: Americans hate throwing away money unless they feel there is a remote chance that they could win something in the process. It could be as insignificant as a toaster or a box of crayons as any potential prize changes the individual’s attitude from that of a victim to that of a soon-to-be winner.

The average American will curse uninterrupted for a week straight while preparing their taxes and have been known to curse in tongues, making up new expletives faster than Yosemite Sam when they discover that even their death will be yet another tax triggering event. And this anger should come as no surprise as taxes have never been a pleasant subject in US history; from the days excited colonists threw whatever they could get their hands on into the Boston Harbor to recent revelations that even model citizens like Senators often “forget” to pay large sums of taxes.

On the other hand, Americans have subsidized state government excess for generations, throwing their hard earned cash willingly and enthusiastically at lottery tickets, knowing that they might as well be lining their bird cage with it for all the good it does them. They will gladly endure standing in line between two drunks and a man carrying a hatchet at the liquor store, buying lottery tickets with the last few dollars of junior’s college savings for a chance at “the big pot”. The same holds true for raffles where people have been known to pay hundreds of dollars for the chance to win a plate of stale cookies. Nothing gets Americans to open their wallets faster than a 1-in-a-100 million chance to get something for almost nothing.

And in that same vein, the tax lottery will take most of every working citizen’s paycheck in place of a weekly chance to win a billion dollars. All the participants’ names will be imprinted on ping-pong balls and placed in a giant hopper that will be mounted to the top of the Mirage hotel in Las Vegas (the new IRS headquarters). What happens next is still a point of conjecture, but will most likely involve a leggy blond tugging on an enormous lever, being lowered by crane into the hopper to pull out the winning ball, reading off the winning name, and then diving for cover as complete pandemonium ensues when 150+ million tax paying citizens realize they didn’t win AGAIN and take their frustration to the streets.

Despite the obvious fact that 99.999998% of Americans will be on the receiving end of this largest tax increase in the history of history, law makers will be campaigning feverously over the coming days to remind the public that at least one American a week will wake-up a billionaire and be extremely happy (until the rest of the country finds out where he or she lives).

Government issued brochures and pamphlets on the subject have also been carefully edited as to not include the fact that after a few moments of bliss, it is all downhill as the winner completes the normal cycle of excess, drug and alcohol abuse, Viagra overdoses and eventual ruin that commonly accompanies any winner of a mind boggling sum of money.

More information on the tax lottery can be found at:

www.PDPLRUPPLPFHDA.gov