Carbon Life Credits

In yet another twisted grab for public attention, Al Gore today proudly announced phase II of his infamous Carbon Credits program to a crowd of excited inmates and criminals-in-training. Arriving at Rikers Island in his 50 foot yacht and shortly after planting 2 young pine trees and saying a silent prayer to Ethesius, god of the woodland creatures to “cancel out” the 1,256 gallons of fuel his boat used to make the journey, Mr. Gore explained his new program:

“In an acorn shell, the program is simple and follows the spirit of my highly acclaimed Carbon Credit program and is in keeping with the ying-yang philosophy I invented as a young child wandering the mountains of northern China. It also explains why I went from being skinny to…. being not so skinny- the spirit of balance. And it is the same reason I eat 2 lbs of bacon for every cup of yogurt I have for breakfast- balance. Drive a Hummer- scatter wildflower seeds in your enormous CO2 wake; buy your third summer compound in the Caribbean- slap a “save the planet” bumper sticker of some unsuspecting sap’s car in the grocery store parking lot; take your son to school in the family’s private helicopter- slash your neighbor’s car’s tires and leave a bicycle in its place.

(at this point the crowd is growing noticeably restless and a few opportunists in the back are trying to cut through the security fence so Al skips to the heart of his message)

“And in that same spirit…… um, sir in the back, please climb back down from the fence, you’re distracting the cameras…… thank you. As I was saying, in that same spirit I’m proud to announce the Carbon Life Credits (CLC) program. And I can think of no better place than Riker’s Island to share this exciting message as I could think of no better place to introduce my original Carbon Credits program than from the heli-pad behind my forth Disneyland inspired mansion.”

“Under my new plan, most of you who are current residents here at Rikers would be free to wander the streets as free citizens and the others of you that are almost residents here (as soon as the DNA tests come back from the lab) would also be free citizens, as I feel our founding fathers intended us all to be”. (The mention of the word “free” has the group’s attention and Al is not one to miss a queue to go in for the figurative kill).

“My plan is simple- as long as you continue to create life as quickly as you are taking it, the human race is in “balance” and can spend more time worrying about the poison dart tongued rainbow frog of the rainforest and less on that horrific smell coming from your basement where you keep the bodies. The human race needs to be freed from the hassle of keeping track of the census and empowered with more time to enjoy their 20-60 mile ride on their bicycle to work each day. (At this point, after a brief pause, Mr. Gore casts an uneasy glance over the audience and continues) And from the looks of most of you, I have to believe you are living the spirit of my Carbon Life Credits program without even knowing it. Yes, many of you have made a mistake or two and sent someone to an early grave, but how many more children have you brought into the world to take their places? And aren’t those children much smaller than the big people they replace? And outside of the whole issue of diapers and round the clock gas, for the first time in my career as a self proclaimed scientist, no one will challenge me on the merits of replacing big people with big carbon footprints with little people who have little tiny carbon footprints. When the planet finally gets its collective head around the power of CLC to downsize this mess we call the human race, it will be a day of joy and rejoicing.”

At this point, Mr. Gore is hurried back to his yacht, Sea Farce 1, (which had been idling his entire speech to keep the AC running) as complete chaos had broken out among the audience. Screams from men demanding paternity tests and shouts of joy at the bright new hope for freedom had brought about complete pandemonium.

Safe and satisfied in his beaver skin and baby seal trimmed cabin and now taking a few additional questions from reporters, Mr. Gore was asked how he felt about being labeled as the leading hypocrite in Washington by Americans with an IQ over 12. While somewhat surprised but obviously encouraged, Mr. Gore enthusiastically responded that he had not heard of this new political party but would proudly take a position of leadership in the party if it enabled him to make another failed run for the presidency.