Emboldened by Recent FTC Power Grabs, USDA Takes Steps to Expand its Reach

In what many are calling a textbook case of government “monkey see, monkey do”, the USDA has announced their intent to rollout a number of new programs intended on establishing themselves as a forerunner in the battle for the title of “the largest and most obnoxious government thug”. And while this title often switches hands between various government agencies, the FTC has recently reenergized the competition with its zealous persecution of successful upstart companies with sinister names like “Whole Foods”.

An anonymous FTC spokesman was quoted as saying, “the government has a proud tradition of turning small groups of well intending do-gooders, running what start out as harmless agencies, into bullies of apocalyptic proportions, and we are excited to hear that the USDA is carrying on in the spirit of the Lord of the Flies type kill-or-be-killed competition that has helped grow many small government organizations into the not-of-this-world behemoths they have become.”

And while many criticize the strong-arm methods employed at the FTC, the results are undeniable. Recent FTC commissioner Roy L. Payne spoke proudly of his organization’s ability to keep companies in there proper place and show them "what’s what” by using any means necessary up to and including years of expensive tail chasing in the courts. “We have found that fear is a powerful motivator in reminding successful companies out there that they aren’t being paranoid- they actually are being watched by higher reasoning government stooges who are laser focused on the greater good. They have good reason to be looking over their shoulders and shouldn’t be surprised when their parinoia is physically manifested by a nervous twitch or severe ulcers. You never know when one of our many agents disguised as a wheelchair bound grandmother is going to spring out from behind the Depends display and slap a hefty fine on you for recommending a higher quality name brand over a less expensive generic substitute.”

And it is that same universally held government mission of shoving the greater good down the throats of the US citizens that is at the heart of the USDA’s recent initiatives. And making sure that just the right amount of finely ground, seasoned and colored pig parts goes into your favorite hotdog is only the beginning.

Ivan A. Meatcheck, head of the USDA’s Pork Product Inspection and Immigration department summarized the thinking behind the new USDA initiatives as follows: “The food pyramid was a good start but when you think of all the other food related areas we could stick our noses into, a whole world of government oversight opportunities presented themselves to us. And since everyone has to eat food, we felt it safe to assume that everyone that ingests food or comes in contact with it, falls under the direct jurisdiction and compassionate protection of the USDA.”

Recognition of the power the USDA wields over it citizens came in part by accident when an unwitting USDA art major intern decided to change the food pyramid from a true pyramid to one that looks like a neatly sliced, high-tech pizza with stairs affixed to the side for anyone who wanted to start eating it from the top down. http://www.howtofeelgood.com/WordPress/wp-content/images/2006USDAFoodPyramid.jpg

Within hours of officially presenting the new pyramid to the public, obesity rates skyrocketed as confused Americans rushed to pizzerias and their grocer’s frozen food section to comply with what they thought was the latest word on a healthy pizza-based diet. USDA consumer hotlines were flooded and the USDA website had to be suspended while servers were upgraded to handle a deluge of confused teachers who found themselves spending countless hours trying to decipher what they were referring to as the “food pizzamid”.

USDA Head Chief Grand Inspector and Executive Meat Monitoring Manager, William G. Hoofandsnout, saw the public’s reaction as an indication the time was right to take official control of a food related area the USDA had been eyeing for years- the “5 second rule”. While washing up after another tiring day of BBQ restaurant inspection and product sampling, William shared his thoughts on the USDA’s plans to expand their benevolent influence. “People have been dropping food from the dawn of man when our ancestors were dropping bananas from trees and living dangerously under the false assumption that as long as they retrieved said item within 5 seconds, it was still safe for consumption. Well, today we are taking the public’s food safety consciousness to a whole new level as the USDA proudly offers well-defined guidelines and mandatory safety procedures for dropped food. The public will no longer live in fear, fretting over dropped food safety, as every freedom loving patriot who comes in contact with food will be required by law to carry what we are calling the “Dropped Food Obelisk” chart or DFO.”

“Unlike the food pizzamid, I mean pyramid, the DFO is will be relatively easy to understand and use with clearly defined time limits for varying food groups and the amounts of time they can have contact with varying ground surfaces before they have to be disposed of. And with a department of 1,279 lobbyists, 134 VP’s of food safety, 42 diversity awareness trainers and 1 scientist, the public can rest easy knowing that the USDA is vigilantly protecting them from the disease, angst, and general confusion normally associated with dropped food. Life just got a whole lot easier for the common, food consuming citizen.”

Undoubtedly in an effort to justify the expense of an entire new division of USDA employees, plans are already underway to have the DFO modified and morphed into something so mind-bogglingly confusing that average law abiding citizens will have the DFO tattooed to the wrists for quick reference. And given the funds behind the DFO project, Washington outsiders are already predicting a “DFO day” sometime near the recently proposed “National Ground Meat Product Appreciation” and “Wonder Bread Remembrance” days.

Posting of the DFO in public eating areas will become mandatory in early 2009 and be integrated into packaging nutritional labeling by July of the same year. Additionally, elementary schools will be required to fit a DFO education class into students’ schedules sometime between their daily diversity training, safe sex workshops, earth day parties, and PETA registration campaigns.

Pocket sized DFO pamphlets can be downloaded from usdadfo.gov and plush DFO play toys can be obtained free of charge at your local elementary schools and come with a complementary condom and “Thank Darwin for USDA Inspected Ground Meat” bumper sticker.