SEC Chairman Announces Unorthodox Changes as Public Outcry Continues

Late Friday night, well after most Americans had passed out or gone to bed, U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Merry Schaphero held a news conference from an undisclosed location announcing radical changes to the mission and hiring practices of the SEC. Wearing a custom tailored kevlar dress from Ann Taylor’s “Cherry Blossoms and Angry Mob” collection and a pair of horn rimmed glasses with a large plastic nose and mustache, Mrs. Schaphero delivered the following message in obvious response to recent criticism of her agency and its “missteps”:


My fellow Americans, with the recent market turmoil and what many of you are unfairly referring to as ‘more than enough $%^#@$ monkey business from those out of control $%#*&^% stuffed shirt maniacs on Wall Street to warrant the return of the guillotine’, we’ve decided serious reform is needed at the SEC before some of our more angry critics get their quarterly 401K statements at the end of this month.

Frankly, I'm disappointed that many of you have unfairly compared our “oversight” of Wall Street to Bill Clinton having “oversight” of the White House intern beach parties or Dick Cheney over the Arlington Skeet Club or the silliest one I’ve heard of ALL, comparing our “oversight” to appointing the previous CEO of the Goldman Sachs catastrophe to the position of Treasury Secretary- I mean, come on people, how stupid do you think Washingt…………hold on a second.... (Mrs. Schaphero has leaned over to her aid who is whispering rapidly into her ear)………oh, you don’t say….. and we actually stood by and did nothing when they made such an asinine appointment? And you say I was OK with this? Didn’t even look up from my newspaper when asked how I felt about it?.......... ok, thanks.

(Turning back to the camera and now sweating noticeably) Well, um let’s just say we’ve made a few mistakes, but that’s why I stayed up late last night and after a few well deserved bottles of scotch, came up with a multi-pronged approach to recover from our multi-trillion dollar slip-ups.

As a first priority to my plan, we need to find a way to get people to stop using the words “oversight” and “SEC” in the same sentence. Make that paragraph. If we keep reminding the public that the SEC has been overseeing the market shenanigans of the past 2 decades, and especially the last 2 years, I’m afraid public floggings on The Family Channel may rank higher than American Idol before I have time to renew my passport.

(Mrs. Schaphero turns quickly to her aid and whispers something to the effect of “we put Hank ‘pull my finger’ Paulson in charge of the Treasury?!?!? Why didn’t someone tell me this earlier?!”)

(Now turning back to the camera) So with a vision of hot pokers and cats-of-nine-tails fresh in my mind, I’ve come to the realization that we need a new organization to oversee the SEC so we will have someone else to blame when the next Stanford or Madoff comes out of the woodwork as they most certainly will. So as of today, I’m proud to announce that the SEC will no longer be taking the lead when it comes to overseeing Wall Street and your hard earned investment money.

It is obvious that America wants change and Americans want government to give it to them. And even though it is only worth half as much as it used to be, the common man wants someone else to take responsibility for what is left of Wall Street. And accordingly, I’m announcing the formation of the Selective Executive Coalition SEC Undersight Committee and Kool-Aid Services (or SECSUCKS) which will be staffed by average Americans like gypsies, hobos, circus clowns and maybe a few middle level management drug lords. The people have demanded a return of accountability to Main Street and we’re giving it to you!

So from this Monday when the market opens, a few hand picked common men and women will be in charge of watching over the SEC from the bottom up so to speak. Existing SEC employees will stay comfortably in their mahogany trimmed ivory towers doing what they do best (which is look the other way) and let SECSUCKS monitor them from middle America- places like street vendor carts, dark alleys and the basements of burnt out buildings.

And you can bet the next time one of our friends, I mean investment specialists, like Bernie “a mother bear protecting her cubs is too good for me” Madoff runs off with enough money to feed a third world country for a decade, we’ll be sure to put a newly appointed SECSUCKS executive behind bars. And it won’t be one of those luxury white collar jails with the special rehabilitation hot tubs, like Bernie will undoubtedly soon find himself soaking in.

I hope these organizational changes make some of you happy and puts a stop to the nasty phone messages that all seem to end with references to dumpsters and tanks of hungry sharks. I’ve personally felt the public outcry for justice and a few heads on poles is a little overdone and I have a hard time understanding your outrage, but as long as it is aimed at someone else, the SEC is happy to use average Americans as a human shield, I mean……to help! Protecting the investor is our highest priority…. well maybe our second highest priority next to…. hold on, OK our third highest priority right behind…. oh, who am I kidding, it isn’t even in the top ten! Well, with these changes at least many of you will feel like someone is getting punished for something and you can blame the next 30% drop in your 401K on an individual with a name- like Bobo the clown.

Thank you and good night.