Warns DC residents to avoid excess breathing, all physical contact and drinking any liquids until source of the virus is discovered
Monday found Center for Disease Control (CDC) agents scrambling to find the source of an unclassified virus that brings on severe symptoms not unlike a night of heavy drinking and karaoke. What has the CDC even more dumbfounded is that the outbreak mainly appears to effect politicians and professionals living in the Washington DC area. Thus far, average Americans appear immune to the effects of the virus.
Dr. Phillip Witmore Jackdaniels explains the CDC’s findings thus far: “Our initial fear was that we were looking at a country wide epidemic and considering all we had were symptoms of an obviously extremely dangerous strain of a new virus, the CDC was uneasy with the possibility that we might have to quarantine entire states. Much to our relief, it appears that 90% of those infected by the virus work in the greater DC area with the strongest symptoms being manifest the closer one gets to the halls of Congress. The CDC often receives unusual calls regarding suspected, yet never confirmed, turrets syndrome outbreaks at sporting events, so reports of an “airborne inebriation” came as no surprise. However, we have always assumed the irrational behavior associated with inebriation had a direct link to alcohol consumption. The incidents we are seeing in Washington have us wondering if our assumptions weren’t wrong.”
Dr. Jackdaniels pointed out some of the warning signs that indicate you or a loved one, who more likely than not is also working in Washington DC, may be affected by what the CDC has labeled ‘DC-briation’.
“We have pinpointed a couple individuals in Washington that serve as classic examples of someone infected by the DC-briation virus. For example, Maxine Waters often shows severe symptoms of the virus when discussing corporate America.
(From direct testimony while chewing out the oil industry):
‘This liberal (referring to herself) will be all about socializing….um….errr….hamina, hamina, hamina…basically taking over and the government running all your (the oil industry’s) companies.’
She may have meant to say ‘nationalize’ instead of ‘socializing’ but either way, most Americans even after a very bad day at the office don’t get crazy enough to talk about the government taking control of private companies or entire industries and turning them into little dictator branch offices that treat their customers like they do at the IRS. Would Stalin consider something crazy like this? Yes. Castro? Heck yes. Kim Jong Il? In a heartbeat. Hugo Chavez? Every Wednesday after his weekly radio broadcast ‘Why I Hate Americans and Freedom’. Sober, freedom loving Americans with any understanding of history and what will undoubtedly happen when a reality detached, budget challenged government takes over the oil industry? No.”
“And what we find disturbing about the virus is that it can affect either party. President Bush had sporadic fits of DC-briation every month or so while in office declaring the war in Iraq “over”, often during televised broadcasts near Baghdad while shouting over the sound of stay bullets and grenade launcher propelled shoes. And unfortunately, even President Obama is suspected as someone very likely effected by DC-briation as can clearly be seen in an interview broadcast Sunday March 22, 2009 hosted by Steve Kroft on 60 Minutes:
"You're sitting here. And you're laughing. You are laughing about some of these problems," Kroft told the president. "Are people going to look at this and say, 'I mean, he's sitting there just making jokes about money?' How do you deal with -- I mean: explain ... Are you punch-drunk?"
"No, no. There's gotta be a little gallows humor to get you through the day," Obama replied, with a laugh.
Yeah, an economy in a death spiral is about as funny as those little Special Olympics kids IF you are suffering from DC-briation. Add former President Clinton for his “that depends on what your definition of the word is is” comment and people should be concerned that we have a localized epidemic on our hands that has possibly spanned a generation and we didn’t even know it.”
Dr. Jackdaniels continues, “What has me and my colleagues especially concerned is that we are starting to see cases of DC-briation outside of the epicenter and especially near courthouses. Irrational behavior, a failure to make decisions based on rational thought, complete lapses in judgment, a ‘the lights are on but nobody is home except the guy I keep in the freezer’ kinds of looks- all classic symptoms of DC-briation and more and more often being seen outside of the DC area. What else could explain a judge suing his drycleaner for $50 million dollars when his pants go missing? Or countless other judges sitting on or delaying rulings for months at a time? Many of these men and women are running their courts as if they were taking a flurry of upper cuts from Mike Tyson right before they entered their courtroom. We have an entire legal system that is often operating as if “punch drunk” without a drop of liquor in it.”
Investigations continue but given the difficulty in pinpointing a source, CDC officials are to the point of simply warning Americans to spend as little time near Washington and courtrooms as possible. Dr. Jackdaniels offered this final advise: “We don’t know how this dangerous virus is spread so we advise citizens who normally find themselves sober until noon to stay as far away from lawyers, judges and state and federal politicians as possible. Even eye contact may put you at risk so your best bet when you see a ‘Vote for Mo Deviant’ sign with an aspiring lifelong politician standing next to it is to look the other way, make sure the safety is off your pepper spray canister and run screaming in the opposite direction.”
Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Geologists Discover Colossal Catapult under District of Columbia
Elaborate device appears to be yet another of Benjamin Franklin’s inventions
Earlier this week, geologists discovered a complex structure of steel plates, springs and levers under-girding the entire DC area that appears to have been designed by Ben Franklin and built by the early settlers. And if confirmed as the device scientists think it is, it will far exceed the largest catapult known to modern man. Located under an area 68.3 square miles in dimension, “the ultimate check and balance” as many are calling it, is being hailed as the “8th Wonder of the World” or given its obvious intent, the “Most Wonderful Wonder of the World.”
Dr. Skip Stone has been credited with the discovery and shared his thoughts on the device. “At first, I thought it was a giant spatula that appeared capable of flipping the entire DC area right into the Potomac River. Twenty years ago I would have questioned the necessity of such a contraption, but with the recent goings on in Washington and the well documented love the founding fathers had for freedom and flapjacks, it looks like they could foresee what would eventually become of the area given enough time, technological advancements in printing and producing paper money, and a lack of any meaningful supervision.”
Mr. Stone continued, “To my further amazement, as I collected additional data and pieced it together, I came to understand that this odd system of steel plates was NOT in fact a spatula, but a gigantic catapult designed to permanently displace the entire 68.3 square mile section of land, buildings and all, with the exception of some of the heavier monuments and, according to highly scientific probability models, Speaker Nancy Pelosi who already spends 21.3 out of 24 hours airborne and in this case, out of harms way.”
Mr. Stone is working with engineers at MIT and their super computer, the Revolution II, on trajectory models and they are coming to some startling conclusions. Lead engineer and medieval weapons collector, Dunkin D. Sea, explains: “Beyond the engineering challenge of constructing and concealing a catapult under a slice of land that wide is the obvious next hurdle of launching it a millimeter let alone far enough to get anyone’s attention. However, much to our shock and amazement, we now understand that the real genius of this device is its extraordinary range. If triggered, we’re still not exactly sure where the District of Columbia would land, but we have narrowed it down to either the Boston Harbor or a pitchfork factory slightly inland- both well over 300 miles from its current location. In either case the results of a launch would be catastrophic…or a thing of beauty, depending on how you feel about a permanent recess in Washington.”
The arm of the catapult is where Mr. Franklin’s creativity truly shines. Made up of a long series of tightly bound tree trunks running alongside of I-95 from DC to exit 77(B) near Fallston, Maryland, the strength of the arm is unparalleled. Scientists have yet to discover the trigger for this ingenious device, but given the tension of the trunks, have come to a general consensus that it has something to do with weight. Dunkin D. Sea again explains: “If in fact Mr. Franklin designed this, his obvious concern appeared to have been the working population of Washington DC and the surrounding area being out of balance with the rest of the country. We’re not sure what will push the area over the “weight ratio limit” but given the incessant growth of government and government related employment, it could happen at any moment. An aspiring young lobbyist or politician could arrive in Washington in his Prius next week, step foot on Independence Avenue and the last thing he would hear would be an historic swooshing sound (or whatever sound a 68.3 square mile chunk of earth makes as it is launched 396 miles).
As most politicians show little interest in scientific facts and real data over pseudoscience they can secure their careers on, polled citizens agree that Skip Stone and Dunkin D. Sea should not announce their findings to Congress until after they get to see it launch (at least once). And oddly enough, additional feedback gathered from private citizens included numerous requests for scientific intervention to try to delay the launch until July 4, 2009 to give citizens time to outline the entire District in millions of bottle rockets, sparklers and roman candles and still have enough time to set up lawn chairs and video cameras to enjoy what will certainly be an awe-inspiring event.
Rumors of a potential July 4th launch date also had the internet abuzz that changes to The Star Spangled Banner might not be far behind. Suggestions abound with ideas such as,
And the bottle rockets’ red glare,
Washington DC in air,
being among the favorites.
Earlier this week, geologists discovered a complex structure of steel plates, springs and levers under-girding the entire DC area that appears to have been designed by Ben Franklin and built by the early settlers. And if confirmed as the device scientists think it is, it will far exceed the largest catapult known to modern man. Located under an area 68.3 square miles in dimension, “the ultimate check and balance” as many are calling it, is being hailed as the “8th Wonder of the World” or given its obvious intent, the “Most Wonderful Wonder of the World.”
Dr. Skip Stone has been credited with the discovery and shared his thoughts on the device. “At first, I thought it was a giant spatula that appeared capable of flipping the entire DC area right into the Potomac River. Twenty years ago I would have questioned the necessity of such a contraption, but with the recent goings on in Washington and the well documented love the founding fathers had for freedom and flapjacks, it looks like they could foresee what would eventually become of the area given enough time, technological advancements in printing and producing paper money, and a lack of any meaningful supervision.”
Mr. Stone continued, “To my further amazement, as I collected additional data and pieced it together, I came to understand that this odd system of steel plates was NOT in fact a spatula, but a gigantic catapult designed to permanently displace the entire 68.3 square mile section of land, buildings and all, with the exception of some of the heavier monuments and, according to highly scientific probability models, Speaker Nancy Pelosi who already spends 21.3 out of 24 hours airborne and in this case, out of harms way.”
Mr. Stone is working with engineers at MIT and their super computer, the Revolution II, on trajectory models and they are coming to some startling conclusions. Lead engineer and medieval weapons collector, Dunkin D. Sea, explains: “Beyond the engineering challenge of constructing and concealing a catapult under a slice of land that wide is the obvious next hurdle of launching it a millimeter let alone far enough to get anyone’s attention. However, much to our shock and amazement, we now understand that the real genius of this device is its extraordinary range. If triggered, we’re still not exactly sure where the District of Columbia would land, but we have narrowed it down to either the Boston Harbor or a pitchfork factory slightly inland- both well over 300 miles from its current location. In either case the results of a launch would be catastrophic…or a thing of beauty, depending on how you feel about a permanent recess in Washington.”
The arm of the catapult is where Mr. Franklin’s creativity truly shines. Made up of a long series of tightly bound tree trunks running alongside of I-95 from DC to exit 77(B) near Fallston, Maryland, the strength of the arm is unparalleled. Scientists have yet to discover the trigger for this ingenious device, but given the tension of the trunks, have come to a general consensus that it has something to do with weight. Dunkin D. Sea again explains: “If in fact Mr. Franklin designed this, his obvious concern appeared to have been the working population of Washington DC and the surrounding area being out of balance with the rest of the country. We’re not sure what will push the area over the “weight ratio limit” but given the incessant growth of government and government related employment, it could happen at any moment. An aspiring young lobbyist or politician could arrive in Washington in his Prius next week, step foot on Independence Avenue and the last thing he would hear would be an historic swooshing sound (or whatever sound a 68.3 square mile chunk of earth makes as it is launched 396 miles).
As most politicians show little interest in scientific facts and real data over pseudoscience they can secure their careers on, polled citizens agree that Skip Stone and Dunkin D. Sea should not announce their findings to Congress until after they get to see it launch (at least once). And oddly enough, additional feedback gathered from private citizens included numerous requests for scientific intervention to try to delay the launch until July 4, 2009 to give citizens time to outline the entire District in millions of bottle rockets, sparklers and roman candles and still have enough time to set up lawn chairs and video cameras to enjoy what will certainly be an awe-inspiring event.
Rumors of a potential July 4th launch date also had the internet abuzz that changes to The Star Spangled Banner might not be far behind. Suggestions abound with ideas such as,
And the bottle rockets’ red glare,
Washington DC in air,
being among the favorites.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Treasury Secretary Geithner Refuses Award from National Bedtime Storytellers Association (NBSA)
Throws NBSA Trophy from 37th Story Window Injuring Former Special Olympics Bowling Medalist
Shortly after his announcement of the government’s plan to buy up toxic assets to once again save the world from certain ruin, Timothy Geithner was awarded the coveted NBSA Storyteller of the Year award and was rumored to have been put on the fast-track to their “Bunk Bed Hall of Fame”.
NBSA chairperson, Misty Dozer, heard Mr. Geithner’s speech Monday and immediately knew she had been part of something special. Mrs. Dozer explained, “Never in all my days have I heard such a moving tale of wonder, magic and make-believe shared with such a broad audience. We are used to hearing of special moments between loving parents sharing these types of fairytales with their children in the privacy of their homes and occasionally in a school setting, but Mr. Geithner has raised the bar by weaving an elegant tapestry of so many classics into one story. And the fact that millions of people around the world were there to hear it makes it that much more magical.”
Timothy (does ‘billion’ start with a ‘b’ or a tr’?) Geithner responded by saying, “I haven’t the slightest idea of what this unbalanced woman is talking about. My remarks on Monday regarding the government's willingness to shoulder the burden of a trillion dollars in toxic assets for the long-term good of the economy and America’s future has nothing to do with fairytales or bedtime stories. I can only speculate that Rush Limbaugh or the Michigan Militia put Mrs. Dozer up to this. Nothing else makes sense.”
Upon hearing of Mr. Geithner’s reply and his refusal to accept NBSA’s award, Mrs. Dozer didn’t seem surprised. “Gifted storytellers like this don’t come along often and when they do, they are the last ones to want to be given praise for their natural talents. But anyone who can create a yarn like the one we just heard, (pushing back a tear) Mother Goose would be proud. I mean, think of what this man just did- he took elements of some of our most beloved bedtime stories and made them into a modern day fable that rivals Rumpelstilskin or The Three Little Pigs- and with a confidence and tone that reminded me that he MUST have been telling a story. No one I know can talk seriously about burdening future generations with yet ANOTHER trillion dollars of debt as a good thing and keep a straight face.”
“But as a tale not unlike moldy barn straw being spun into gold by a sadistic elf or a dried up bean turning into a beanstalk that leads to a giant box full of pieces of gold the size of Barney Frank’s head or a goose that eats bugs and dirt and lays golden eggs- the man is a genius. Turning toxic assets into something as good as gold- and I thought the art of storytelling was dead. This country needed a good tale to calm our nerves and boy did we get one.”
Mr. Geithner was not available for further comment, but was heard to be working on his next sure-to-be-classic about a band of pigs that robbed from the middle class and gave the money to investment bankers and the wolf who was living in the $5 million mansion granny had purchased with only a basket of cookies as a down payment.
Shortly after his announcement of the government’s plan to buy up toxic assets to once again save the world from certain ruin, Timothy Geithner was awarded the coveted NBSA Storyteller of the Year award and was rumored to have been put on the fast-track to their “Bunk Bed Hall of Fame”.
NBSA chairperson, Misty Dozer, heard Mr. Geithner’s speech Monday and immediately knew she had been part of something special. Mrs. Dozer explained, “Never in all my days have I heard such a moving tale of wonder, magic and make-believe shared with such a broad audience. We are used to hearing of special moments between loving parents sharing these types of fairytales with their children in the privacy of their homes and occasionally in a school setting, but Mr. Geithner has raised the bar by weaving an elegant tapestry of so many classics into one story. And the fact that millions of people around the world were there to hear it makes it that much more magical.”
Timothy (does ‘billion’ start with a ‘b’ or a tr’?) Geithner responded by saying, “I haven’t the slightest idea of what this unbalanced woman is talking about. My remarks on Monday regarding the government's willingness to shoulder the burden of a trillion dollars in toxic assets for the long-term good of the economy and America’s future has nothing to do with fairytales or bedtime stories. I can only speculate that Rush Limbaugh or the Michigan Militia put Mrs. Dozer up to this. Nothing else makes sense.”
Upon hearing of Mr. Geithner’s reply and his refusal to accept NBSA’s award, Mrs. Dozer didn’t seem surprised. “Gifted storytellers like this don’t come along often and when they do, they are the last ones to want to be given praise for their natural talents. But anyone who can create a yarn like the one we just heard, (pushing back a tear) Mother Goose would be proud. I mean, think of what this man just did- he took elements of some of our most beloved bedtime stories and made them into a modern day fable that rivals Rumpelstilskin or The Three Little Pigs- and with a confidence and tone that reminded me that he MUST have been telling a story. No one I know can talk seriously about burdening future generations with yet ANOTHER trillion dollars of debt as a good thing and keep a straight face.”
“But as a tale not unlike moldy barn straw being spun into gold by a sadistic elf or a dried up bean turning into a beanstalk that leads to a giant box full of pieces of gold the size of Barney Frank’s head or a goose that eats bugs and dirt and lays golden eggs- the man is a genius. Turning toxic assets into something as good as gold- and I thought the art of storytelling was dead. This country needed a good tale to calm our nerves and boy did we get one.”
Mr. Geithner was not available for further comment, but was heard to be working on his next sure-to-be-classic about a band of pigs that robbed from the middle class and gave the money to investment bankers and the wolf who was living in the $5 million mansion granny had purchased with only a basket of cookies as a down payment.
Friday, March 20, 2009
President Obama Offers $100 Billion in TARP Funds as Apology for “Special Olympics” Comment
After jokingly saying that his bowling skills are “like the Special Olympics” during a late night interview with Jay Leno, President Obama quickly offered TAPR funds to the Special Olympics Committee as an apology for his remarks. He also had another check for $50 Billion cut and sent to Kellogg’s, makers of Special K cereal in hopes of heading off a backlash by other groups who may have been offended by his comments.
David Axelrod later clarified that the $100 billion is actually a “loan” but expects that once the economy turns around, the Special Olympic kids will have no trouble repaying the loan through various fund raisers and additional events.
Early on in his attempts to gloss over his odious comment, President Obama claimed he had been misquoted and actually said “spectal olimphics”. When he later discovered that “spectal” and “olimphics” are not actual words, he was quoted to say, “See how that happens?! The press misquoted me again. What I really said was ‘spectacle eliptics’.”
Later in the day, the president shifted tactics and blamed the incident on a catastrophic teleprompter malfunction and added that some of his best friends had participated in and in some cases, given their lives while serving in the Special Olympics.
David Axelrod later clarified that the $100 billion is actually a “loan” but expects that once the economy turns around, the Special Olympic kids will have no trouble repaying the loan through various fund raisers and additional events.
Early on in his attempts to gloss over his odious comment, President Obama claimed he had been misquoted and actually said “spectal olimphics”. When he later discovered that “spectal” and “olimphics” are not actual words, he was quoted to say, “See how that happens?! The press misquoted me again. What I really said was ‘spectacle eliptics’.”
Later in the day, the president shifted tactics and blamed the incident on a catastrophic teleprompter malfunction and added that some of his best friends had participated in and in some cases, given their lives while serving in the Special Olympics.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Boy Scouts to be Issued TARP Funds for Minor Concessions
Feeling the effects of a struggling economy, the Boy Scouts are considering government TARP funds with the understanding that they must update their organization to reflect a more contemporary look and ideology.
Washington insiders have leaked a few details of the first wave of changes, which are being directed by the recently appointed Scout Czar, Boy George. As a token gesture to pacify those angered at the inclusion of girls and transgendered species into the organization, the government will allow the Scouting organization to keep the "Boy" in "Boy Scouts" as long as Boy George retains his place as Scouting Czar. Mr. George has indicated that he is considering Winona Ryder and Chris Rock as co-Czars.
Mr. George's first priority appears to be that of modernizing the Scout Oath and while the final version has yet to be officially released, a draft is as follows:
On our honor we will do our best,
To take what’s ours and steal the rest,
We'll chew tobacco and smoke cigars,
And push old ladies in front of cars,
Dress up like a girl just for sport,
If you don't like your neighbor, take him to court,
Diversity and deviancy are our key team motto,
If you can't make it in music, there's always the lotto.
Other changes are rumored to include union dues to support a Boy Scout jobs bank and uniform modifications courtesy of the newly appointed Boy Scout uniform Czar, Elton John.
For more information, visit the Boy Scouts at their new website: www.boygeorgescouts.gov.
Washington insiders have leaked a few details of the first wave of changes, which are being directed by the recently appointed Scout Czar, Boy George. As a token gesture to pacify those angered at the inclusion of girls and transgendered species into the organization, the government will allow the Scouting organization to keep the "Boy" in "Boy Scouts" as long as Boy George retains his place as Scouting Czar. Mr. George has indicated that he is considering Winona Ryder and Chris Rock as co-Czars.
Mr. George's first priority appears to be that of modernizing the Scout Oath and while the final version has yet to be officially released, a draft is as follows:
On our honor we will do our best,
To take what’s ours and steal the rest,
We'll chew tobacco and smoke cigars,
And push old ladies in front of cars,
Dress up like a girl just for sport,
If you don't like your neighbor, take him to court,
Diversity and deviancy are our key team motto,
If you can't make it in music, there's always the lotto.
Other changes are rumored to include union dues to support a Boy Scout jobs bank and uniform modifications courtesy of the newly appointed Boy Scout uniform Czar, Elton John.
For more information, visit the Boy Scouts at their new website: www.boygeorgescouts.gov.
Monday, March 16, 2009
SEC Chairman Announces Unorthodox Changes as Public Outcry Continues
Late Friday night, well after most Americans had passed out or gone to bed, U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Merry Schaphero held a news conference from an undisclosed location announcing radical changes to the mission and hiring practices of the SEC. Wearing a custom tailored kevlar dress from Ann Taylor’s “Cherry Blossoms and Angry Mob” collection and a pair of horn rimmed glasses with a large plastic nose and mustache, Mrs. Schaphero delivered the following message in obvious response to recent criticism of her agency and its “missteps”:
My fellow Americans, with the recent market turmoil and what many of you are unfairly referring to as ‘more than enough $%^#@$ monkey business from those out of control $%#*&^% stuffed shirt maniacs on Wall Street to warrant the return of the guillotine’, we’ve decided serious reform is needed at the SEC before some of our more angry critics get their quarterly 401K statements at the end of this month.
Frankly, I'm disappointed that many of you have unfairly compared our “oversight” of Wall Street to Bill Clinton having “oversight” of the White House intern beach parties or Dick Cheney over the Arlington Skeet Club or the silliest one I’ve heard of ALL, comparing our “oversight” to appointing the previous CEO of the Goldman Sachs catastrophe to the position of Treasury Secretary- I mean, come on people, how stupid do you think Washingt…………hold on a second.... (Mrs. Schaphero has leaned over to her aid who is whispering rapidly into her ear)………oh, you don’t say….. and we actually stood by and did nothing when they made such an asinine appointment? And you say I was OK with this? Didn’t even look up from my newspaper when asked how I felt about it?.......... ok, thanks.
(Turning back to the camera and now sweating noticeably) Well, um let’s just say we’ve made a few mistakes, but that’s why I stayed up late last night and after a few well deserved bottles of scotch, came up with a multi-pronged approach to recover from our multi-trillion dollar slip-ups.
As a first priority to my plan, we need to find a way to get people to stop using the words “oversight” and “SEC” in the same sentence. Make that paragraph. If we keep reminding the public that the SEC has been overseeing the market shenanigans of the past 2 decades, and especially the last 2 years, I’m afraid public floggings on The Family Channel may rank higher than American Idol before I have time to renew my passport.
(Mrs. Schaphero turns quickly to her aid and whispers something to the effect of “we put Hank ‘pull my finger’ Paulson in charge of the Treasury?!?!? Why didn’t someone tell me this earlier?!”)
(Now turning back to the camera) So with a vision of hot pokers and cats-of-nine-tails fresh in my mind, I’ve come to the realization that we need a new organization to oversee the SEC so we will have someone else to blame when the next Stanford or Madoff comes out of the woodwork as they most certainly will. So as of today, I’m proud to announce that the SEC will no longer be taking the lead when it comes to overseeing Wall Street and your hard earned investment money.
It is obvious that America wants change and Americans want government to give it to them. And even though it is only worth half as much as it used to be, the common man wants someone else to take responsibility for what is left of Wall Street. And accordingly, I’m announcing the formation of the Selective Executive Coalition SEC Undersight Committee and Kool-Aid Services (or SECSUCKS) which will be staffed by average Americans like gypsies, hobos, circus clowns and maybe a few middle level management drug lords. The people have demanded a return of accountability to Main Street and we’re giving it to you!
So from this Monday when the market opens, a few hand picked common men and women will be in charge of watching over the SEC from the bottom up so to speak. Existing SEC employees will stay comfortably in their mahogany trimmed ivory towers doing what they do best (which is look the other way) and let SECSUCKS monitor them from middle America- places like street vendor carts, dark alleys and the basements of burnt out buildings.
And you can bet the next time one of our friends, I mean investment specialists, like Bernie “a mother bear protecting her cubs is too good for me” Madoff runs off with enough money to feed a third world country for a decade, we’ll be sure to put a newly appointed SECSUCKS executive behind bars. And it won’t be one of those luxury white collar jails with the special rehabilitation hot tubs, like Bernie will undoubtedly soon find himself soaking in.
I hope these organizational changes make some of you happy and puts a stop to the nasty phone messages that all seem to end with references to dumpsters and tanks of hungry sharks. I’ve personally felt the public outcry for justice and a few heads on poles is a little overdone and I have a hard time understanding your outrage, but as long as it is aimed at someone else, the SEC is happy to use average Americans as a human shield, I mean……to help! Protecting the investor is our highest priority…. well maybe our second highest priority next to…. hold on, OK our third highest priority right behind…. oh, who am I kidding, it isn’t even in the top ten! Well, with these changes at least many of you will feel like someone is getting punished for something and you can blame the next 30% drop in your 401K on an individual with a name- like Bobo the clown.
Thank you and good night.
My fellow Americans, with the recent market turmoil and what many of you are unfairly referring to as ‘more than enough $%^#@$ monkey business from those out of control $%#*&^% stuffed shirt maniacs on Wall Street to warrant the return of the guillotine’, we’ve decided serious reform is needed at the SEC before some of our more angry critics get their quarterly 401K statements at the end of this month.
Frankly, I'm disappointed that many of you have unfairly compared our “oversight” of Wall Street to Bill Clinton having “oversight” of the White House intern beach parties or Dick Cheney over the Arlington Skeet Club or the silliest one I’ve heard of ALL, comparing our “oversight” to appointing the previous CEO of the Goldman Sachs catastrophe to the position of Treasury Secretary- I mean, come on people, how stupid do you think Washingt…………hold on a second.... (Mrs. Schaphero has leaned over to her aid who is whispering rapidly into her ear)………oh, you don’t say….. and we actually stood by and did nothing when they made such an asinine appointment? And you say I was OK with this? Didn’t even look up from my newspaper when asked how I felt about it?.......... ok, thanks.
(Turning back to the camera and now sweating noticeably) Well, um let’s just say we’ve made a few mistakes, but that’s why I stayed up late last night and after a few well deserved bottles of scotch, came up with a multi-pronged approach to recover from our multi-trillion dollar slip-ups.
As a first priority to my plan, we need to find a way to get people to stop using the words “oversight” and “SEC” in the same sentence. Make that paragraph. If we keep reminding the public that the SEC has been overseeing the market shenanigans of the past 2 decades, and especially the last 2 years, I’m afraid public floggings on The Family Channel may rank higher than American Idol before I have time to renew my passport.
(Mrs. Schaphero turns quickly to her aid and whispers something to the effect of “we put Hank ‘pull my finger’ Paulson in charge of the Treasury?!?!? Why didn’t someone tell me this earlier?!”)
(Now turning back to the camera) So with a vision of hot pokers and cats-of-nine-tails fresh in my mind, I’ve come to the realization that we need a new organization to oversee the SEC so we will have someone else to blame when the next Stanford or Madoff comes out of the woodwork as they most certainly will. So as of today, I’m proud to announce that the SEC will no longer be taking the lead when it comes to overseeing Wall Street and your hard earned investment money.
It is obvious that America wants change and Americans want government to give it to them. And even though it is only worth half as much as it used to be, the common man wants someone else to take responsibility for what is left of Wall Street. And accordingly, I’m announcing the formation of the Selective Executive Coalition SEC Undersight Committee and Kool-Aid Services (or SECSUCKS) which will be staffed by average Americans like gypsies, hobos, circus clowns and maybe a few middle level management drug lords. The people have demanded a return of accountability to Main Street and we’re giving it to you!
So from this Monday when the market opens, a few hand picked common men and women will be in charge of watching over the SEC from the bottom up so to speak. Existing SEC employees will stay comfortably in their mahogany trimmed ivory towers doing what they do best (which is look the other way) and let SECSUCKS monitor them from middle America- places like street vendor carts, dark alleys and the basements of burnt out buildings.
And you can bet the next time one of our friends, I mean investment specialists, like Bernie “a mother bear protecting her cubs is too good for me” Madoff runs off with enough money to feed a third world country for a decade, we’ll be sure to put a newly appointed SECSUCKS executive behind bars. And it won’t be one of those luxury white collar jails with the special rehabilitation hot tubs, like Bernie will undoubtedly soon find himself soaking in.
I hope these organizational changes make some of you happy and puts a stop to the nasty phone messages that all seem to end with references to dumpsters and tanks of hungry sharks. I’ve personally felt the public outcry for justice and a few heads on poles is a little overdone and I have a hard time understanding your outrage, but as long as it is aimed at someone else, the SEC is happy to use average Americans as a human shield, I mean……to help! Protecting the investor is our highest priority…. well maybe our second highest priority next to…. hold on, OK our third highest priority right behind…. oh, who am I kidding, it isn’t even in the top ten! Well, with these changes at least many of you will feel like someone is getting punished for something and you can blame the next 30% drop in your 401K on an individual with a name- like Bobo the clown.
Thank you and good night.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
US Tax System to be Replaced by Mandatory Tax Lottery
In a clear signal that the Obama administration is thinking WAYYY outside the box to save the economy and resuscitate the US consumer, rumors that the tax code will be scraped and replaced with a more exciting tax lottery, have been confirmed. While details of the new program are unclear, bits and pieces are slowly being leaked to the public to observe their general reaction. The staggered release also gives time for local law enforcement, the National Guard, the Cub Scouts and the Mormon Missionaries to be on the ready in the very likely event that the public takes to the streets with torches and pitchforks when they understand the full implications of the program.
The original codename for the project, operation Blood from a Turnip, will eventually be replaced with a name that will discourage criticism from nay-sayers and what the government are calling “non-team players”. Names such as Plan for Gender Neutral Americans to Protect Widows and the Homeless or the Plan for Diverse, Peace Loving Recyclers United for the Perpetuation of Peanut-free lunch Programs and Free Healthcare for Domesticated Animals (or PDPLRUPPLPFHDA for short) are being considered as possible names as no American in his right mind would dare oppose a plan that claimed to support such a broad array of politically correct causes.
According to a Senator who asked to be kept anonymous, the tax lottery theory is simple: Americans hate throwing away money unless they feel there is a remote chance that they could win something in the process. It could be as insignificant as a toaster or a box of crayons as any potential prize changes the individual’s attitude from that of a victim to that of a soon-to-be winner.
The average American will curse uninterrupted for a week straight while preparing their taxes and have been known to curse in tongues, making up new expletives faster than Yosemite Sam when they discover that even their death will be yet another tax triggering event. And this anger should come as no surprise as taxes have never been a pleasant subject in US history; from the days excited colonists threw whatever they could get their hands on into the Boston Harbor to recent revelations that even model citizens like Senators often “forget” to pay large sums of taxes.
On the other hand, Americans have subsidized state government excess for generations, throwing their hard earned cash willingly and enthusiastically at lottery tickets, knowing that they might as well be lining their bird cage with it for all the good it does them. They will gladly endure standing in line between two drunks and a man carrying a hatchet at the liquor store, buying lottery tickets with the last few dollars of junior’s college savings for a chance at “the big pot”. The same holds true for raffles where people have been known to pay hundreds of dollars for the chance to win a plate of stale cookies. Nothing gets Americans to open their wallets faster than a 1-in-a-100 million chance to get something for almost nothing.
And in that same vein, the tax lottery will take most of every working citizen’s paycheck in place of a weekly chance to win a billion dollars. All the participants’ names will be imprinted on ping-pong balls and placed in a giant hopper that will be mounted to the top of the Mirage hotel in Las Vegas (the new IRS headquarters). What happens next is still a point of conjecture, but will most likely involve a leggy blond tugging on an enormous lever, being lowered by crane into the hopper to pull out the winning ball, reading off the winning name, and then diving for cover as complete pandemonium ensues when 150+ million tax paying citizens realize they didn’t win AGAIN and take their frustration to the streets.
Despite the obvious fact that 99.999998% of Americans will be on the receiving end of this largest tax increase in the history of history, law makers will be campaigning feverously over the coming days to remind the public that at least one American a week will wake-up a billionaire and be extremely happy (until the rest of the country finds out where he or she lives).
Government issued brochures and pamphlets on the subject have also been carefully edited as to not include the fact that after a few moments of bliss, it is all downhill as the winner completes the normal cycle of excess, drug and alcohol abuse, Viagra overdoses and eventual ruin that commonly accompanies any winner of a mind boggling sum of money.
More information on the tax lottery can be found at:
www.PDPLRUPPLPFHDA.gov
The original codename for the project, operation Blood from a Turnip, will eventually be replaced with a name that will discourage criticism from nay-sayers and what the government are calling “non-team players”. Names such as Plan for Gender Neutral Americans to Protect Widows and the Homeless or the Plan for Diverse, Peace Loving Recyclers United for the Perpetuation of Peanut-free lunch Programs and Free Healthcare for Domesticated Animals (or PDPLRUPPLPFHDA for short) are being considered as possible names as no American in his right mind would dare oppose a plan that claimed to support such a broad array of politically correct causes.
According to a Senator who asked to be kept anonymous, the tax lottery theory is simple: Americans hate throwing away money unless they feel there is a remote chance that they could win something in the process. It could be as insignificant as a toaster or a box of crayons as any potential prize changes the individual’s attitude from that of a victim to that of a soon-to-be winner.
The average American will curse uninterrupted for a week straight while preparing their taxes and have been known to curse in tongues, making up new expletives faster than Yosemite Sam when they discover that even their death will be yet another tax triggering event. And this anger should come as no surprise as taxes have never been a pleasant subject in US history; from the days excited colonists threw whatever they could get their hands on into the Boston Harbor to recent revelations that even model citizens like Senators often “forget” to pay large sums of taxes.
On the other hand, Americans have subsidized state government excess for generations, throwing their hard earned cash willingly and enthusiastically at lottery tickets, knowing that they might as well be lining their bird cage with it for all the good it does them. They will gladly endure standing in line between two drunks and a man carrying a hatchet at the liquor store, buying lottery tickets with the last few dollars of junior’s college savings for a chance at “the big pot”. The same holds true for raffles where people have been known to pay hundreds of dollars for the chance to win a plate of stale cookies. Nothing gets Americans to open their wallets faster than a 1-in-a-100 million chance to get something for almost nothing.
And in that same vein, the tax lottery will take most of every working citizen’s paycheck in place of a weekly chance to win a billion dollars. All the participants’ names will be imprinted on ping-pong balls and placed in a giant hopper that will be mounted to the top of the Mirage hotel in Las Vegas (the new IRS headquarters). What happens next is still a point of conjecture, but will most likely involve a leggy blond tugging on an enormous lever, being lowered by crane into the hopper to pull out the winning ball, reading off the winning name, and then diving for cover as complete pandemonium ensues when 150+ million tax paying citizens realize they didn’t win AGAIN and take their frustration to the streets.
Despite the obvious fact that 99.999998% of Americans will be on the receiving end of this largest tax increase in the history of history, law makers will be campaigning feverously over the coming days to remind the public that at least one American a week will wake-up a billionaire and be extremely happy (until the rest of the country finds out where he or she lives).
Government issued brochures and pamphlets on the subject have also been carefully edited as to not include the fact that after a few moments of bliss, it is all downhill as the winner completes the normal cycle of excess, drug and alcohol abuse, Viagra overdoses and eventual ruin that commonly accompanies any winner of a mind boggling sum of money.
More information on the tax lottery can be found at:
www.PDPLRUPPLPFHDA.gov
Monday, March 2, 2009
Carbon Life Credits
In yet another twisted grab for public attention, Al Gore today proudly announced phase II of his infamous Carbon Credits program to a crowd of excited inmates and criminals-in-training. Arriving at Rikers Island in his 50 foot yacht and shortly after planting 2 young pine trees and saying a silent prayer to Ethesius, god of the woodland creatures to “cancel out” the 1,256 gallons of fuel his boat used to make the journey, Mr. Gore explained his new program:
“In an acorn shell, the program is simple and follows the spirit of my highly acclaimed Carbon Credit program and is in keeping with the ying-yang philosophy I invented as a young child wandering the mountains of northern China. It also explains why I went from being skinny to…. being not so skinny- the spirit of balance. And it is the same reason I eat 2 lbs of bacon for every cup of yogurt I have for breakfast- balance. Drive a Hummer- scatter wildflower seeds in your enormous CO2 wake; buy your third summer compound in the Caribbean- slap a “save the planet” bumper sticker of some unsuspecting sap’s car in the grocery store parking lot; take your son to school in the family’s private helicopter- slash your neighbor’s car’s tires and leave a bicycle in its place.
(at this point the crowd is growing noticeably restless and a few opportunists in the back are trying to cut through the security fence so Al skips to the heart of his message)
“And in that same spirit…… um, sir in the back, please climb back down from the fence, you’re distracting the cameras…… thank you. As I was saying, in that same spirit I’m proud to announce the Carbon Life Credits (CLC) program. And I can think of no better place than Riker’s Island to share this exciting message as I could think of no better place to introduce my original Carbon Credits program than from the heli-pad behind my forth Disneyland inspired mansion.”
“Under my new plan, most of you who are current residents here at Rikers would be free to wander the streets as free citizens and the others of you that are almost residents here (as soon as the DNA tests come back from the lab) would also be free citizens, as I feel our founding fathers intended us all to be”. (The mention of the word “free” has the group’s attention and Al is not one to miss a queue to go in for the figurative kill).
“My plan is simple- as long as you continue to create life as quickly as you are taking it, the human race is in “balance” and can spend more time worrying about the poison dart tongued rainbow frog of the rainforest and less on that horrific smell coming from your basement where you keep the bodies. The human race needs to be freed from the hassle of keeping track of the census and empowered with more time to enjoy their 20-60 mile ride on their bicycle to work each day. (At this point, after a brief pause, Mr. Gore casts an uneasy glance over the audience and continues) And from the looks of most of you, I have to believe you are living the spirit of my Carbon Life Credits program without even knowing it. Yes, many of you have made a mistake or two and sent someone to an early grave, but how many more children have you brought into the world to take their places? And aren’t those children much smaller than the big people they replace? And outside of the whole issue of diapers and round the clock gas, for the first time in my career as a self proclaimed scientist, no one will challenge me on the merits of replacing big people with big carbon footprints with little people who have little tiny carbon footprints. When the planet finally gets its collective head around the power of CLC to downsize this mess we call the human race, it will be a day of joy and rejoicing.”
At this point, Mr. Gore is hurried back to his yacht, Sea Farce 1, (which had been idling his entire speech to keep the AC running) as complete chaos had broken out among the audience. Screams from men demanding paternity tests and shouts of joy at the bright new hope for freedom had brought about complete pandemonium.
Safe and satisfied in his beaver skin and baby seal trimmed cabin and now taking a few additional questions from reporters, Mr. Gore was asked how he felt about being labeled as the leading hypocrite in Washington by Americans with an IQ over 12. While somewhat surprised but obviously encouraged, Mr. Gore enthusiastically responded that he had not heard of this new political party but would proudly take a position of leadership in the party if it enabled him to make another failed run for the presidency.
“In an acorn shell, the program is simple and follows the spirit of my highly acclaimed Carbon Credit program and is in keeping with the ying-yang philosophy I invented as a young child wandering the mountains of northern China. It also explains why I went from being skinny to…. being not so skinny- the spirit of balance. And it is the same reason I eat 2 lbs of bacon for every cup of yogurt I have for breakfast- balance. Drive a Hummer- scatter wildflower seeds in your enormous CO2 wake; buy your third summer compound in the Caribbean- slap a “save the planet” bumper sticker of some unsuspecting sap’s car in the grocery store parking lot; take your son to school in the family’s private helicopter- slash your neighbor’s car’s tires and leave a bicycle in its place.
(at this point the crowd is growing noticeably restless and a few opportunists in the back are trying to cut through the security fence so Al skips to the heart of his message)
“And in that same spirit…… um, sir in the back, please climb back down from the fence, you’re distracting the cameras…… thank you. As I was saying, in that same spirit I’m proud to announce the Carbon Life Credits (CLC) program. And I can think of no better place than Riker’s Island to share this exciting message as I could think of no better place to introduce my original Carbon Credits program than from the heli-pad behind my forth Disneyland inspired mansion.”
“Under my new plan, most of you who are current residents here at Rikers would be free to wander the streets as free citizens and the others of you that are almost residents here (as soon as the DNA tests come back from the lab) would also be free citizens, as I feel our founding fathers intended us all to be”. (The mention of the word “free” has the group’s attention and Al is not one to miss a queue to go in for the figurative kill).
“My plan is simple- as long as you continue to create life as quickly as you are taking it, the human race is in “balance” and can spend more time worrying about the poison dart tongued rainbow frog of the rainforest and less on that horrific smell coming from your basement where you keep the bodies. The human race needs to be freed from the hassle of keeping track of the census and empowered with more time to enjoy their 20-60 mile ride on their bicycle to work each day. (At this point, after a brief pause, Mr. Gore casts an uneasy glance over the audience and continues) And from the looks of most of you, I have to believe you are living the spirit of my Carbon Life Credits program without even knowing it. Yes, many of you have made a mistake or two and sent someone to an early grave, but how many more children have you brought into the world to take their places? And aren’t those children much smaller than the big people they replace? And outside of the whole issue of diapers and round the clock gas, for the first time in my career as a self proclaimed scientist, no one will challenge me on the merits of replacing big people with big carbon footprints with little people who have little tiny carbon footprints. When the planet finally gets its collective head around the power of CLC to downsize this mess we call the human race, it will be a day of joy and rejoicing.”
At this point, Mr. Gore is hurried back to his yacht, Sea Farce 1, (which had been idling his entire speech to keep the AC running) as complete chaos had broken out among the audience. Screams from men demanding paternity tests and shouts of joy at the bright new hope for freedom had brought about complete pandemonium.
Safe and satisfied in his beaver skin and baby seal trimmed cabin and now taking a few additional questions from reporters, Mr. Gore was asked how he felt about being labeled as the leading hypocrite in Washington by Americans with an IQ over 12. While somewhat surprised but obviously encouraged, Mr. Gore enthusiastically responded that he had not heard of this new political party but would proudly take a position of leadership in the party if it enabled him to make another failed run for the presidency.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
